Super Mario Bros. 2 (NES)

Alrighty, so by this point Mario's prestige and legacy are set in stone. He's got fame, popularity, multiple spin-off products, and even a show with Lou Albano! (R.I.P; Cap!) So, how do you follow up on debatably the greatest video game to date? Pink, transsexual, aborted egg-shooting lizards wearing Ms. Pac-Man's bow. Yeah.



Now, I wasn't alive during the release of this game. Therefore I can only imagine the sheer horror on the faces of all the Mario fans when they saw this box art. It's nowhere near Mega Man box art bad, but why the hell is Mario carrying what appears to be a raddish? What is this, Cooking Mama? Is Mario a closet gardener?

One of the first things that you'll notice upon starting up this turd is that it has next to nothing to do with it's predecessor. Why is that, you may ask? Well, here's the story:

Apparently during the release of Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan (before the U.S. release, of course), some Nintendo of America executives thought that the game was too much like the original. So what did they do? They scrapped the original (Which would be repackaged as "The Lost Levels" in the Super Mario All Stars cartridge), and downright stole everything aside from the characters from a game called Doki Doki Panic. That's right, even that iconic theme song was stolen from some weird storybook game. So, what we're left with is The Hedgehog Paradox. The Hedgehog Paradox is when a game in a franchise is sub-par at best, but seen as a piece of shit because of it's association with a high-quality and beloved series. The Hedgehog Paradox has afflicted Frogger, Resident Evil, Halo, and now has it's icy grip on our favorite mischevious mustachio.

Unlike Super Mario Bros; the control is shit. Jumping is awkward at best and suicidal at worst. The idea of picking up enemies and throwing them instead of jumping on them is damn retarded. Every encounter with Birdo is 3 minutes of pure frustration, and the setting is like an acid trip in Toontown. You've got red-hooded guys with JabbaWockeeZ masks, you've got magic doors that are summoned by potions. I dare you to play this game and see how long it takes for your mind to snap. (insert Clockwork Orange joke here)

The visuals are actually a vast improvement over the original, but as we all know, graphics don't mean jackitty-shit.



So, what is this game. A frustrating, trippy game that not only suffers from The Hedgehog Paradox, but also is a complete rip-off. It's as if someone were to steal from their own work, (and others), and boldly shove out a visually stunning piece of fecal matter that, somehow, actually manages to sell like hotcak-



...Um...

So it would seem as though this would seal the fate of the Mario franchise. However, little did the general populace know at the time that the next sequel to the classic series would be arguably it's best.



P.S: The supposeed "Voice of Canadian Gaming" has claimed this to be his favorite in the Mario series. *blows raspberry*

First Mix Of 2010!

Pretty low quality, but I've been on hiatus for a while now, and I'll improve over time.

New review tomorrow!

Super Mario Bros

This is the start of a series of reviews looking back on the Mario series. (The main series platforming centered games, at least.) And what other way to start than with...



Again, we should probably start off with a little history first:


You remember the NES, don't you? Ah yes, the embodiment of nostalgia, that rectangular brick of pwnage aiding you in your quest to save the princess, kill Dracula, what have you. Of course, if it weren't for this little Italian plumber, Nintendo probably wouldn't be what it is today. In fact, had it not been for Mario, the NES would've been tossed aside by retail markets for...*shudders* Teddy Ruxpin. (violin screeches)

Needless to say, Super Mario Bros would be a critical and commercial success, skyrocketing the NES and Nintendo to the #1 spot. Mario became a celebrity, with a number of shows, toys, games, food-related products, and even a film. (Don't look up that last one, though. Ugh.)However, how good is his game really? Let's find out.



First off, the second you appear in the Mushroom Kingdom you will notice that this game has something that few games at the time (and unfortunately even now) have: Eye-catching color. From the bright green Koopa shells to the deep blue sky, this game's visuals jump out at you. You never once feel the limitations of the 8 bit graphics, as the appearance of this game is simply mesmerizing.

Gameplay-wise, this game can be summarized with three words: difficulty, addictability, and polish. The Mario series is often seen as a kiddie series. To those who say that, I demand they put down their special-edition Modern Warfare 2 controllers, stop massacring innocent Russians and just TRY and beat this game without a Game Genie. I didn't think so, gramer douche. Furthermore, this game has a way of crawling into your brain and harassing your inner platforming junkie, knowing you'll always grasp that controller once more for vengeance on those damn Hammer Bros. You just can't put this game down, which I account to Miyamoto's secret plan of lacing the plastic of NES controllers with traces of nicotine and crystal meth. Or it's the gameplay, it could be either.

This is also one of the more polished games on the NES. Unlike Mega Man, you never feel cheated by the controls or the game. When you fuck up, you know it's your fault. Mario can also gain momentum as he runs, which is pivotal when trying to leap over a particular nasty Lakitu, or just fighting the good fight of those eternally trying to make it over the flagpole. (Don't act like you haven't tried!)

With numerous ports on systems ranging from the SNES to the Game Boy Color and the Wii's Virtual Console, there is know reason for you to not own this game. (Aside from the fear of swapping out that Ghillie suit for an always-fashionable overall ensemble)

Wii

That's right, The Player's Lair has acquired a Nintendo Wii!!!



Now, this review is going to be a lead-in to a mini-series of reviews. What franchise will I be toppling? We'll wait and see...


Before I review this system, let's take a look at it's history:

The Nintendo Gamecube wasn't exactly a commercial success. It was the third to last system in the console race (placing ahead of only the Dreamcast) and was a bit of a dissapointment compared to the N64 era Nintendo fanboys were previously blessed with. So with the next generation of systems, all eyes were on Nintendo and their next offering. For a while, it seemed as though the Nintendo had a plan. The system was named "Revolution" , and seemed to usher in exactly that. Unfortunately, Nintendo changed the name to Wii and completely started to plummet. Sure, it was a commercial success, but a system's quality and popularity is never based on commercial success. (see Dreamcast.) It seemed that the Wii was for casual fans and casual fans alone. However, it seems as though Nintendo is returning to it's roots with a number of awesome retro WiiWare games and other upcoming releases. So, I picked up one of these bad boys when I had the dough.

Stylistic-wise, this system is one of the better looking. It's possibly the best looking out of the current line-up, and is pleasantly soft on the eyes. The soft blue light of the disc tray wonderfully compliments the bright white console. The system stand makes the system look that much more epic. This thing has class.

The system's start-up screen and menu shares the soft personality of the console itself, and is a welcome alternative to the Gamecube's obnoxious start-up. (I'm not saying I didn't like the GCN start-up, but it got tedious at times). The idea of "channels" is pretty cool, and is a nice change of pace to the standard scroller menus.

The controller is my only real gripe with this block of awesome, as it lacks the feel all great systems need. Sure, the Nunchuck and Wiimote combo works perfectly for your standard Wii Sports and what not, but for a game like New Super Mario Bros where grip and precision is key, this controller isn't up to par. However, I will say that the motion control is fantastic. (With MotionPlus, at least.) It's fantastic with games like Twilight Princess and Super Mario Galaxy, but the sacrifice on hardcore games isn't worth the minor upgrade of quality with games like Zelda.


All and all, this is a great system, but certainly not the best. I think we all know what the best is. ...I'm not gonna say it. You first. No you.


As for all you naysayers who say that the Wii is for casual gamers only, let's check back in a year and see if your opinion hasn't changed.

Ms. Pac-Man: Maze Madness

I know I've been out for awhile, but I had some issues to attend to.

...

Ahem.




This review is going to be a bit personal, as this is a gem from my childhood. For those of you not familiar with the PlayStation... who the hell are you? Go on eBay, fork over a 30 year old basement-dweller the necessary cash and lose yourself in one of the greatest systems known to man.

Anyway, the PlayStation is known for it's great franchises such as Spyro, Crash Bandicoot, and Twisted Metal. However, if you are a puzzle game junkie looking for that late-night dose, This game's got you covered. By this point, Ms. Pac-Man isn't exactly new to the gaming world. Her debut hit was more popular than her better half's, and she's starred in numerous games since. However, this has got to be the best game with Ms. Pac-Man in it.

We start off this epic adventure in Pac-Land, as Ms. Pac-Man is told by Professor Pac that she needs to find 4 gems to defeat the witch Mesmerelda. Or so I think, the story seemed a bit stupid to begin with, so I just ignored it.

The object of this game is to make your way through the map, solving puzzles, collecting dots and fruits, and beating the level in a certain time. It's a top-down view, and nothing about the game is that great. At first glance.

The one great thing about this game is the puzzle-solving. Many puzzles involve moving blocks and TNT to the right place and strategizing. It's really addictive. The puzzle-solving is fantastic, and each level throws something new at you. I literally spent 6 hours on the game, and was only 26% of the way done my first day playing. Yeah.

The game originally seemed like a cheap cash-in on the series' prestige, but I've gotta say that this is in the top 5 Pac games, maybe even top 3. Furthermore, this game has the best soundtrack of any Pac game ever. Ever. The music is marvelously cheesy, and every song perfectly accompanies the atmosphere and level. If you can find the soundtrack ANYWHERE, buy it. (It's better than any bullshit you'll hear on the radio nowadays).

If there's one thing negative to say, this game's controls are frustrating. At times the response is slow, but it's in no way a gamebreaker.

If you're hungry for a fix only puzzle-solving can satisfy, dust off your PS1 and free up a few days.